![Search "Stories of the Streets and of the Town [First Series]." by ADE, GEORGE: 1866-1944. in IUCAT, Google Books, OCLC WorldCat, or HathiTrust](/inauthors/images/external.png)
THE FABLE OF THE MAN WHO WANTED HIS EUROPE
ONCE there was a Slave. For many Seasons he had toiled with creaking Sinews and popping Eye-Balls so that his beloved Corporation would never have to foozle a dividend.
Always he was sustained by a rose-coloured Hope. Every time he readjusted his clanking Chains he told himself that some day he would bust forth from his blithering Bondage and jamboree his way through Europe.
The Lantern Slides and those fascinating ac-cordeon Folders put out by Tourist Agencies had nursed him along until he believed that Europe consisted of Sunrise in the Tyrol, and Moonlight on the Grand Canal.
The Old World promised him a foretaste of Paradise, minus the Moral Restrictions.
At last he earned his Leave of Absence and had his Collateral all counted out, but he got word that the Elysian Fields had been all jazzed up by War.
It was a cruel disappointment to the would-be Pilgrim. He heard the clarion call of the full-page Advertisers, who told him to See America First, but when a True Sport has got himself all keyed up page: 96[View Page 96] for the ravishments of Lake Como and Aix-les-Bains he does not care to have any rhetorical Passenger Agent come along and try to slip him St. Louis as a Substitute.
While he was in deep grief over the dishing of his Plans, he met at his Club an elderly Grouch who had travelled so much that he had begun to look British.
The poor Chap who had been denied the Trans-Atlantic Holiday sat down with the fish-eyed Veteran and began to weep into his Juice.
It seemed that he had his Steamer Shawl and the Phrase Book and the Letters of Introduction all packed and was ready to Yo-Heave-Ho, when the Blow-Off came.
"Control yourself," advised Mr. Grouch. "All is not lost. I know the dear old Stamping Ground from the North Cape down to the Blue Grotto. I have seen countless hordes of first-time Cookies going through the deadly Routine. If you will follow my Directions, you may duplicate all of the essential Items of a visit to Europe without yielding up your entire Fortune or suffering the pangs of Nostalgia. In other words, I will bring the Old World right to your own Threshold."
It sounded foolish and unlikely but the Traveller persisted that he could deliver the Goods and even volunteered to draft a set of Rules for putting the usual experiences of a Foreign Tour within the reach of any Poor Family.
page: 97[View Page 97]Next day he sought out the dejected Wimp who was hungering for the Eastern Hemisphere.
"Go to it," said the Veteran, passing over a Screed very neatly typed. "If the Game of Golf and Vocal Music can be taught by a Correspondence School, there is no earthly Reason why you should not take an extended Journey while remaining Stationary."
The Direction were as follows:
Every Fellow His Own Europe
SCORING FOE A STARTIn order to duplicate the Joys of a Grand Tour without venturing beyond Sandy Hook, the first Task is to attend several going-away Dinners.
As soon as you are feeling logy and oppressed, begin packing
Collect all of your Wearing Apparel into a mound at least four feet high and then crowd the whole Layout into a low-browed Steamer-Trunk with baffling Partitions.
How TO BE SEEN OFFYou are now ready to Sail. In order to experience the usual delirium of getting away from the Dock, stand in the main entrance of a Department Store for one hour during the most turbulent period of Shopping. Surround yourself with superfluous Friends and Relatives and have them repeat over and over: "Bon Voyage! Bon Voyage
page: 98[View Page 98]Bon Voyage!" Carry a bouquet of Killarney Roses and promise to Write.
OUT ON THE BOUNDINGYou are now ready for the Ocean Voyage, always recommended by Doctors who wish to get shut of troublesome Patients.
Select a medium-sized Closet, entirely boxed in except for a single Opening about the size of a Griddle-Cake. Along one side of the dim Cubby-Hole build a Shelf, or Berth. Measure yourself and make the Bunk two inches shorter.
Put the Steamer-Trunk under the Sleeping-Trough. Then install a Wash-Stand and Wardrobe in the remaining Corners, so that, when the Trunk is pulled out from the dim Recess under the Sarcophagus, the occupant of the Cell must crawl into Bed in order to reach down and unpack a pair of heavy Socks. This sounds intricate, but it will work out unless your Closet happens to be larger than the ordinary Stateroom.
While at sea, you are supposed to rest. For six days you will spend most of your time on a cylindrical Mattress in the dusky Cavern described above. Every hour or so have a dummy and unsympathetic Stevedore in the Costume of a Street-Cleaner come into your little Vault and tell you that the Weather is clearing.
Each day you must rally for a time and venture forth. This is called "Taking the Air." Put on some damp clothing, climb to the roof of your House, and lie horizontally, facing the Sky. A convincing
page: 99[View Page 99]Detail, tending to heighten the Verisimilitude, would be to accept a Sea-Biscuit every little while from a so-called Steward. Any one with the wrong kind of Mustache can impersonate a Steward. No matter how often he appears, you must inquire of him as follows: "When do you think we will land?" He will give an evasive answer, after which you are supposed to take a Nap.
Possibly no one ashore has ever voluntarily gone in for Shuffleboard. Still, if you crave Realism, borrow a Crutch and try to propel wooden Disks so that they will pause within a rectangular Area bounded by Chalk Marks. Do this in Private, or some one may ask to have a Conservator appointed.
Hang a large Bell just outside your Cabin and arrange to have some one beat it with a Hammer every fifteen minutes. Each time you hear the Bell, look at your Watch.
GREAT BRITAIN'S WELCOME TO THE STRANGERAfter one week in the Closet, you must imagine that the Good Ship is lying off the British Coast, which is blurred with Fog and lacking in Detail.
You are now ready to travel by railway up to London. This unusual Experience may be duplicated if you will consent to crowed yourself into a Pullman Compartment with five Total Strangers and refrain from Conversation.
Having disembarked in Merrie England, you are at once entitled to the Knowledge, carefully
withheld
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No matter how often he appears, you must inquire of him as follows:
"When do you think we will land?"
page: 101[View Page 101] from the General Run of People by all Travellers, that England is
just as merry as the side view of a Hearse.
CUTTING LOOSE IN LONDONIn order to imagine yourself in the Modern Babylon, you should first of all go to a Tailor off in a Side Street and order a $25 Suit with the Trousers fitting snugly under the Arms and plenty of Excelsior in the Shoulders.
Then drink a large slug of the Aromatic Spirits of Caledonia diluted with tepid Water.
Ride in a Taxi until you are dizzy, after which retire to a Cold-Storage Warehouse.
Arrange to have your Dinner served in a Deaf and Dumb asylum. By closing your eyes, you can imagine yourself in the very liveliest corner of a large Apartment overlooking the Thames.
Probably you have been honing for years to go rollicking about London night after night, dropping in at the Halls and the Revues. Just sit in a cloud of Tobacco Smoke and have some one feed last year's Ragtime into a Talking Machine, and you will get most of the Sensations awaiting you at the Pavilion or the Oxford.
CROSSING THE CHANNELThis is something you will want to talk about for a long time to come, so do it right. Doubtless your Laundryman will give you permission to ride for an hour in one of his restless rotary Receptacles.
page: 102[View Page 102]SETTLING DOWN TO A SYSTEMAssuming that you are the Typical American Traveller, doubtless you will wish to clean up all of Europe in about Six Weeks. This will call for a lot of Hard Work and a very compact Schedule, which can be enacted in St. Joe, Missouri, or Upper Sandusky, Ohio, just as easily as in Rotterdam or Marseilles.
Arise every morning and rub yourself casually with a damp Sponge.
Eat a hard Roll, coated with Shellac, and be sure that your Coffee is sufficiently modified by Chicory and drowned in Hot Milk.
Spend an hour in packing everything that you un packed the previous afternoon.
Hurry out to a City Ticket Office. After you have elbowed your way to a desirable Frontage, claim the attention of the frigid Lad with the striped Shirt and talk him to a Standstill. Remember that five per cent, of all the time spent in Europe must be given over to the painful consideration of Time-Tables.
Each day you must buy a stack of Post-Cards, done in passionate Colors. Address them to distant Relatives. Also to the Neighbours you dislike, so as to make them envious. Write something sappy along the border of each Card.
Dont forget your Tipping. To make sure of up holding your country's Reputation and to observe all Precedents, push a small Piece of Silver toward everyone who deigns to notice you.
At least once a Day retire to a stuffy Apartment, page: 103[View Page 103] billed as a Salon, and carefully read a Boston Newspaper about three Weeks old. Also peruse eight pages of microscopical Printing in a red Guide-Book.
What with the packing and unpacking, the mad gallop to the Booking Office, the fluttering uncertainty over the selection of the Cartes Postales, the prolonged endeavour to remember all of your remote Kin, the Tipping, the Tabble Dotty, the customary search through the Reading-Room for something recent, the devotional hour with Baedeker, and the attempt to select a Train by which to escape to the next Jump, the Day will become so crowded that you will not have to waste much time on Galleries, Cathedrals, Museums, and Shops.
HOW TO RECOVER FROM THE CHAUTAUQUA FEVERFor the first Fortnight of this supposititious Flight across the Continent, you should endeavour to churn up a frothing interest in the Educational Features of the Tour. Two weeks will be long enough. Most of the Students who have taken a preliminary Course of Reading, so they will understand everything they see, begin to stall and lay off after about four days. The more violent the early Attack the more rapid the Recovery, after which you will be Immune.
ARTAny collection of Paintings with Gold Frames will serve as a substitute for a famous Gallery. When you discover that you cannot discriminate page: 104[View Page 104] between a Notable Canvas and the kind displayed in every good Buffet in Atlantic City, you will be shamed and discouraged, and begin looking for an Exit.
Even if you pump up a genuine interest, you will be google-eyed after you have studied some 200 Masterpieces. Be on the level with yourself. If you will not walk across the Street in your Native Town to look at the real Specimens of Art imported by some generous Millionaire, don't kid yourself into thinking that you will blossom into a Ruskin Fan when you go abroad.
No matter how many Miles a Man may travel, he will never get ahead of Himself.
MUSEUMSThe passion for Museums will evaporate ever so rapidly. If you want to know what it feels like to visit a famous Museum, walk rapidly through the Crockery Department of any large Re tail Establishment and you will get all of the Thrills.
ARCHITECTURE, ETC. We come now to the noble Edifices. Let us see if we can find close at hand something Colossal and Ornate which will cause us to throb. A man of ordinary Physique is good for only about two large Throbs in one day. Why not stand in front of a gigantic Railway Station in New York City and remove the Hat? Then have some one remark that the Faade was built by Spinkadelli in the Thirteenth Century. Emit a sigh of Admiration page: 105[View Page 105] replace the Hat and you will be just as well off as if you were in Milano.
By this time you are scoffing at my Instructions. If you think that the Average Traveller retains anything valuable or lasting from his jumble of hurried Impressions, why not make Casual Inquiry of some Highbrow Friend who took the Mediterranean Trip last winter? Ask him about Romethe recognized headquarters for impressive Antiquities. He will tell you that he paid $7 a day for his Room and had to walk down the Hallway to get a Bath.
PICKING UP ODD LITTLE THINGSRegarding the Shops, I am compelled to confess that, by diligent search through the smaller Establishments of Re gent Street and Rue de la Paix, one may dig up al most any Article of Merchandise listed in our own Sunday Papers.
GUIDESIf it is your first ride on the Merry-go-Round, you will ask for a Guide at each Halting-Place. An unexaggerated Replica of the Continental Guide may be found in any Community. Hunt up a shabby Confidence Man with an imperfect Knowledge of English. Follow him about in a shamefaced Manner and submit weakly to his brazen Dictates, and you will know just how it feels to be nagged through the Streets of Naples.
COLLECTING COINSThis is important. Don't fail to take in a few pieces of Bad Money each day. Preserve as Souvenirs.
page: 106[View Page 106]USEFUL EMPLOYMENT OF SPARE TIMEAssuming that the Tourist has foundered himself on Cathedrals, Birthplaces, and Mountain Scenery, and that the packing and unpacking, the low-comedy Inscriptions on the Post-Cards, &c., &c., do not take up all of his time, and that, at favoured Intervals, he can elude the Guides, what may be regarded as the regular and steady Avocation of the homeless Wanderer?
All courageous Itinerants have the same Finish. After a few heartfelt Days among the Memorial Statues and the Mildew, they are content to put in Hour after Hour gazing blankly at Window-Displays or haggling with fluent Banditti.
Remember it is not necessary to travel 4,000 miles in order to loaf in front of Shop Windows or slather the Express Orders on Junk.
HOW TO GO ASTRAYWe come now to the Gay Life. Let us assume that you are in Paree, although any town in which you are totally ignorant of the Language or the local Devices of the Criminal Element will insure you the same opportunities as a Producer.
If you will ooserve the following Routine (remembering that you are to use the Sign-Language at all times), you can garner the same unalloyed Delights in Pittsburgh as if you were in the mad whirl of some place really Wicked.
First of all, spend several hours seated at an Iron
page: 107[View Page 107]Table in the Open Air, sipping a weak imitation of Maple-Sirup. While decanting the sticky compound into your surprised Interior, smoke the lowest-priced Stogie obtainable at a Grocery Store. You never can get into the real Atmosphere of the Old Country if you carry good Cigars.
This Ceremonial of sitting at the Iron Table and watching the crowds move by is known as "Getting Into the Caf Life," and is about the most tingling experience that awaits the impressionable Pilgrim.
While you are seated at the Table, arrange to have several Human Reptiles in glistening Frock Coats come up and furtively submit for your approval the kind of Photographs that no Man who expects to drop dead would care to have on his Person.
After you have remained at the Iron Table until you feel that you are really getting into a close relationship with the very Soul of the Native Population, you must dine at a famous Restaurant.
You can get the same Environment here at home as on the Other Side, because, in either instance, you will be surrounded by loud-talking Yankees.
Furthermore, in order to exhibit easy Familiarity with the Vintage mysteries, you had better order something puckery and high-priced, with Cobwebs on the outside. Slip in a remark about the " Cuve," and possibly no one will suspect that for thirty years you have been training on Well Water.
In the Evening you would go to the Teatro. If you want to know how it feels to sit through the
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While you are seated at the Table, arrange to have several Human Reptiles
in glistening Frock Coats come up and furtively submit for your approval the kind of
Photographs that no man who expects to drop dead would care to have on his
Person
page: 109[View Page 109] Drama far from home, go into any Show Shop, tip the Usher, and
sit in the back row wearing Ear-Muffs.
Do not bother with the Opera. All the high-priced Thrushes will be warbling in New York.
As for Cabaret Stuff and sitting next to the Hungarian Noise-Makers until 2 A. M., do you fancy that any Country on the Map can give us Pointers on Disorderly Conduct?
TOURING DE LUXELet us not forget the Motoring. No doubt you have dreamed of spinning through Normandy or surfeiting yourself on the Rural Landscapes of the Shakespeare Country. Be assured that all you can derive from Motoring, either at home or abroad, is an acute Vertigo. Touring in all countries is now done at Top Speed and is seemingly planned for the entertainment of the Chauffeur. The Passengers go with him to ballast the Car and pay for Tires.
USEFUL HINTBefore I forget it, here is a Daily Exercise which will help to create the Illusion that you are a regular Traveller. When ever you go into the Street, take with you a Camera, a Rain-Coat, a pair of Binoculars, and a Guide-Book. Shift them frequently without dropping anything.
HOMEWARD BOUND If you will observe the Daily Routing, as roughly indicated, for several weeks, eating Strange Food all of the time, you will be overjoyed page: 110[View Page 110] when you can go back into your Closet and spread yourself out on the Shelf for the Return Voyage.
At the end of a Week have a suspicious Stranger overhaul your Luggage and regard you as a Smuggler. He will be justified in doing so.
ADDENDAGet some Labels and paste them on your Boxes and Bags.
Sort out the Curios and Gimcracks and give them away before they Pall on you.
Hurry to your own Bathroom and the Spring Mattress and be thankful that you lasted through it.
I almost forgot to add that in taking this Home Treatment you will escape:
The Ship's Concert, including the jovial Army Officer who can't sing but does.
The human Megaphone with an American Flag on his Lapel.
The Fluff who wants a Partner for Bridge.
The Monarch of the Seas who has crossed forty-two times.
In conclusion, I don't expect you to follow Directions, even if they are spoken from the Heart.
THE END
When the unhappy Stay-at-Home concluded the silly Document, he knew that the Writer was a cheap Iconoclast with a jitney Intelligence.
page: 111[View Page 111]He still believed all that he had read in those wonderful Syndicate Letters prepared in the Reading-Room of the Public Library.
Moral: Many are wise to Europe, but few ham the Manhood to speak out.
