![Search "Stories of the Streets and of the Town [First Series]." by ADE, GEORGE: 1866-1944. in IUCAT, Google Books, OCLC WorldCat, or HathiTrust](/inauthors/images/external.png)
THE FABLE OF THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW PATH LEADING TO THE REFRESHMENT COUNTER
ONCE there was a Getter named Ichabod Roxworthy. His Father had married into the famous Clamm Family of New England, and one of his Ancestors was that godly Character, Jonas Wolf, of York State, who traded a Demijohn of Squirrel Whisky and two Looking-Glasses for all that portion of the New World lying west of Albany.
Mr. Roxworthy had it in every Pocket because he was a Good Man.
He knew that some day or other he would Shuffle and two Minutes after his milk-white Soul had winged skyward lie would be checking in at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter would be slowing him a Diagram and urging him to take a Room with a good view of the Lower Regions, so he would be sure to Enjoy himself.
Even those who had been stung by Ichabod could not deny that he was booked for the Pearly Gates. They merely hoped that all of the Pearls would be fastened from the inside by Rivets.
One Monday morning Mr. Roxworthy arose feeling sure that he would be prospered during the Week to come if he carried the right Tools.
page: 187[View Page 187]The Sabbath had been dedicated to Meditation, Prayer, Dark Clothes, and Overeating.
The Motor-Car had remained cold in the Garage.
No soul-destroying Golf for Mr. Roxworthy on the day of Rest.
Instead of desecrating the long Sabbath P.M. he preferred to sit back in some quiet Spot and frame up a few air-tight Cinches.
As he came out of the Zone of Sanctimony into the cold Realities of Monday morning, he was working full-time under the Bonnet and getting ready to slip over some Hot Ones.
He was worried as to the Future of a Manufacturing Venture in which he held a hatful of Stock.
This Stock never had declared a Divvy, and the whole Venture was commonly regarded as a Quince.
Only the watchful Deacon and a fenw Insiders knew of a cheapened Process and the certain Prospect of Juicy Contracts which would convert the Fliv into a Baby Doll.
So he was worried.
He saw a lot of Soft Collateral finding its way to those who might waste it in Sinful Practices.
That is why we catch him on Monday, at close quarters with a Lawyer who could walk in fresh Snow without leaving ally Tracks.
Mr. Roxworthy made a candid Statement of Facts, after assuring himself that no one was lurking on ate Fire-Escape.
page: 188[View Page 188]The Property might have a Future if taken over by Responsible Parties of known Integrity.
The Lawyer said everything would be quite Legal. A little roundabout and more or less in the Twilight, but Legal.
They would send a Goat into Court and ask for the appointment of a Receiver.
Then a few carefully selected Pall-Bearers would go out and buy up Stock held by the poor Flatheads likely to go Cold in the Feet when they heard of the Receivership.
When the controlling Interest had been garnered by a capable Minority, the Receiver would jump gracefully out of the Window and the real Business Guys would go ahead and collect the Pickings.
It was all just as regular as melting the Lid off of a Child's Tin Bank.
Mr. Roxworthy felt intensely relieved to know that he could put it across without snagging into the Revised Statutes.
He and the Limb of the Law went out to Lunch at a Club where some of the Lockers were still doing Business.
The Counselor suggested a little Shake-Up with a Foundation of Gin.
Mr. Roxworthy recoiled as if from a Blow.
"How dare you?" he demanded, putting on the Tremolo. "How dare you
offer me Rum? I want you to know that not one Drop of Anything even passed these here Lips.
Would I be the loved out
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The Lawyer said everything would be quite Legal. A little roundabout and
more or less in the Twilight, but Legal.
page: 190[View Page 190] honoured Citizen I am to-day if I had licked up Cock-tails? Take
my Advice and flee from the Tempter."
Tuesday was all to the Happy for the He Seraph.
The kindly Providence that notes the fall of a Sparrow saw to it that Ichabod more than made his Expenses on this same Tuesday.
A certain Boyhood Friend, who was slowly sinking into a morass of Mortgages, still held on to a piece of Corner Property just on the border of the Business District.
Mr. Boxworthy sometimes purchased reliable Advance Tips from needy Persons employed by Architects and Real-Estate Promoters. He under-stood it was not against the Law.
On Tuesday he learned that the Transfers had been made and the Plans approved for the construction of a huge Department Store right across the Street from the property owned by his Boyhood Friend.
At the same time he had an awful Hunch that Boyhood Friend was not wise to the projected Improvements.
So he dropped in, casual-like, to see his dear old Side Kick and Playmate of other Days.
A tale of Grief was waiting for him. It involved a Sick Wile and Premiums due on Insurance Policies and the longing to send Daughter to College.
Well, when Mr. Roxworthy found his Old Friend lying face downward in the Gravel, he sure did a Magnanimous Thing.
He took over the Corner Property at about 80
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"How dare you?" he demanded, putting on the Tremolo.
"How dare you offer me Rum?"
page: 192[View Page 192] per cent. of the recent Market Value and about 30 per cent. of
what it mould Fetch after being taken into the Retail Shopping District.
Of course the Friend was grateful. He offered Mr. Roxworthy a Cigar.
"I don't use Tobacco in no Form," mid Mr. Rox-worthy, severely. "It is a site Habit. I'd say that any Man using the Weed could hardly be called a Moral Man."
He walked up street with the Option next his Heart and a great Peace seemed to flood his Soul.
He had copped 40,000 Louies, just like picking Fruit, and, at the same time, lee had rebuked a Wrong -doer.
That was his Idea of a Perfect Dayto kick Satan in the shins and then bring home the Bacon.
Wednesday was a fairly trying Day for the Benefactor.
No sooner did he get through with a meeting of the Committee to investigate Charges against the Minister than he had to sit down with his Book-keeper and figure out a Declaration of Income for the Treasury Department.
When it came to coughing up Taxes, Ich was what you might term a Conscientious Objector.
He never had any way of knowing, when he turned his hard-earned Spon over to the Government, that the Coin would be wisely expended by someone whose Private Life was Pure.
It seemed to him that the surest way to corrupt
page: 193[View Page 193]Public Officials was to give them too much Money to handle. So he tried to keep them Honest.
Poor Mr. Roxworthy! The Book-keeper would ask about this Item and that Item, referring to Bunches of Grapes that the True Believer had plucked in the Vineyard.
Mr. Roxworthy was in doubt regarding the Propriety of including these Side Issues and Pick-Ups in any Sworn Statement of his regular Income.
He studied the various sub-headings and didn't see just where they could be worked in and, rather than make a Mistake and cause Confusion at the Collector's Office, he left them out altogether.
He knew, away down in his Gizzard, that the Declaration he attested before the Notary did not include all of the scattered Receipts during a busy year, but he had the Satisfaction of feeling that, even if he held out a little Kale, he more than made up the Shortage by setting a Good Example to all other Citizens Day by Day.
Mr. Roxworthy was so relieved over his successful negotiation of the Income-Tax Hurdle that he took his Daughter to a Stereopticon Lecture on Egypt.
She timidly suggested going to a Play which had been fumigated for the Family Trade, but he explained to her that the Playhouse was an Evil Influence, ever when it masqueraded as a Teacher of Correct Behaviour.
The Lights and Music and False Excitement
page: 194[View Page 194]Helped to distract attention from the Solemn Realities of Life and substitute Frivolities for humble Virtues.
Furthermore, while waiting his Turn at the Barber Shop, he had read some terrible Stories about Actresses in The Police Gazette.
Thursday called for some lively Stepping.
The Directors of an Interurban Electric were to meet in the Afternoon and place a Contract for much new Equipment.
A majority of the Directors were Papier Mch and subject to the Domination of the more forceful Characters of the Roxworthy Type.
Before casting his Vote. Mr. Roxworthy wanted to know all of the Facts in the Case, so he happened into the Office of the President of the Concern that was angling for the Contract.
He asked many pertinent Questions.
He (Roxworthy) was friendly enough, but they had a few Stubborn Ones on the Board who would be mighty hard to handle.
Mr. Roxworthy said he would feel a good deal freer to put up a Battle if he knew that the Company receiving the Contract was under conservative Management.
Here was an Opening too wide to be missed. The President of the Company tumbled.
"Suppose," said he, "that we drop a few Shares of Stock into your Pocket when you are not looking and then put you on the Board? You would have page: 195[View Page 195] supervisory Power and could protect your other Company."
Oh, the Look that Mr. Roxworthy shot at the One who spoke the Above!
"How dare you?" he demanded. "Evidently you are not acquainted with my reputation for Probity. Do you realize that you are offering me a Bribe? If I am to acquire any Stock in your Corporation so as to protect my Associates in the Interurban, it will be by Purchase. Everything Regular and Aboveboardthat's my Motto."
He took quite a hunk of Stock at Par. The Market Price was 280, but it was agreed by all Present that Mr. Roxworthy was entitled to come in on the some Terms as the original Incorporators.
After the Contract was let, the 280 Stock was 300, which shows that Values are enhanced by Legitimate Methods rather than by Manipulation.
Friday was devoted to what you might call Inside Stuff.
It happens that in almost any State indicated on the Map, Corporate Interests are constantly harassed and menaced by Legislators who are trying to pay off Mortgages on their Homes.
Oppressive and confiscatory Bills are introduced by hungry Highbinders.
These are the customary Preludes to a Shake-Down.
The organized Interests which find themselves threatened are supposed to charge up a Jack-Pot page: 196[View Page 196] to Operating Expenses and then select a Trusty to go and feed the Animals.
With much reluctance, Mr. Roxworthy had made a Date with a slippery Go-Between for Friday Afternoon.
Although Mr. Roxworthy had always kept his Skirts clean and would have refused to dicker with Corrupt Influences, he naturally had his doubts when the Hired Man brought in an Expense Account of $8,000 for Cigarettes.
If there was any Crooked Work going on, Mr. Roxworthy preferred not to suspect, so he wore Blinders.
The useful Bird who could handle the Boys had been summoned by Mr. Roxworthy because there was pending a Measure which would put an awful Crimp in certain Public Utilities.
The Fixer had a couple of Shortcomings, but Mr. Roxworthy was inclined to drape them with the mantle of Charity, because any one who protects an Investor against Legislative Oppression cannot be holly Bad.
It appeared that the Menagerie was in a restless Mood, with much Howling and showing of Fangs. According to the Middleman, it would require quite a bale of Mazuma to finance the Campaign of Education and counteract the misleading Propaganda.
Mr. Roxworthy, speaking for his incorruptible Associates, said they were willing to Dig, in order page: 197[View Page 197] to protect Property Interests against vicious Socialistic Tendencies, but they would suggest that no Improper use be made of the Currency after it had been tied into Bundles.
The Gum-Shoe Specialist scouted the Suggestion. He said that practically all of the Funds would be paid as Fees to Country Lawyers for drafting Substitute Measures from which Objectionable Features would be eliminated.
He confided the Information that a Party Leader with a heavy Drag happened to be in Town, and he suggested that Mr. Roxworthy could make a ten-strike with the Tall-Grass Statesman by showing him a Swell Time.
He votes Dry on Roll-Call, but is a Bust-Over when he sees the Electric Signs," said Wise Ike. "Take him to a Cabaray where the Cuties hop on one Foot, and you'll have your Ticket on him for Life."
"I am sorry that you have misjudged me," said Mr. Roxworthy, coldly. "I have heard tell of these gilded Dumps where the perfumed Sirens pivot on the Toe and otherwise Cavort, but l look the other way when I pass one. In all the Years since I began to hide a Surplus, I never once got tangled in the Ribbons of a Jezebel. If all Men were like me, the Head Waiters and Almost-Castles would be in the Poorhouse."
"I get you," was the reply. "The rough Party is off."
page: 198[View Page 198]"Not necessarily," said Mr. Roxworthy, brightening up. "I know a Fellow Director of marvellous Capacity and extreme Moral Turpitude. I will call him up and O. K. the Outlay, and he will take whatever Steps are necessary to win our Law-Making Friend over to the Side of Justice and Fair Play."
Having thus maintained his miraculous Average of batting 1,000 in the Purity League, Mr. Roxworthy went home to his Chipped Beef and Tea, with his Conscience clear and a Heart like that of a Little Child.
It just seemed on Saturday that every one was trying to annoy the Kind Gentleman.
In one of the Plants he helped to operate, the murmurs of Discontent had crescendoed to a Mob Scene.
The Employees wanted in on the Velvet.
Mr. Roxworthy found at his office a glowering bunch of Unionites with a square-jawed Walking Delegate at their head.
Oh, how Mr. Roxworthy disliked Walking Delegates! He preferred gentle Characters that would take the Halter.
The men left an ugly Ultimatum, and then a Delegation of Social Workers came in to plead for the Women and Children employed at the Works, claiming that they were underpaid and not properly safeguarded as to Moral Welfare and Physical Comfort.
It was the Old Storya lot of Outsiders trying to filch the Profits of Honest Enterprise.
page: 199[View Page 199]Mr Roxworthy sent for the Superintendent and asked how about it.
"Well, the Men are strongly organized," was the Reply. "If they walk out, it's 'Good-Night, Myrtle,' for us. Give the Men their Raise. We can afford to do it under the new Boost in Prices, provided we don't have to increase the Pay-Roll in the cheaper Departments. The Women and Kids have no Organization and can be handled."
Some quick work with the Pencil convinced the Captain of Industry that he could compromise and still pull down a lovely Return.
His Better Nature asserted itself and he gave his faithful Men Employees a nice Raise and wondered if it would get into the Papers.
It is Saturday Evening.
Sitting before the Grate, with an Apple at his Elbow, and reviewing a week of Combat with the Philistines and those who live in Outer Darkness, who could blame Mr. Roxworthy if he seemed to feel a Halo resting, light as a Nimbus, upon his leathery Brow?
Or who will deny the Statement, made to the Bible Class on the subsequent Morning, that those who obey the Precepts seem to find a Special Guidance to the delectable Pastures, where Milk is ever on Tap and Honey may be had by those who know how to get it?
Moral: Restrictive Regulations are made to jack up the Wicked and not to inconvenience the Righteous.
